Just Fucking Use MySQL

You probably think you need some fancy-ass database architecture. You're over here evaluating document stores because some Medium post said "schema-less is the future." You're considering key-value stores because you heard they're fast. You're spinning up 8 different managed services because a YouTuber screamed "S C A L E" into a mic. Well guess what, genius:

You just need MySQL.

That's it. That's the answer. Stop doing a 3-day database bakeoff for an app that has 12 users and a dream. Stop pretending you're Netflix. Stop inventing problems so you can justify your tool choices.

Here's why, you beautiful disaster:

• It's been around forever and it's not going anywhere
• It's boring, and boring is exactly what your database should be
• It does real transactions (InnoDB) so your data doesn't turn into soup
• It has foreign keys for when you want to act like an adult
• It does JSON so you can still be messy and pretend it's "flexible"
• It has full-text search for 90% of "search" features people over-engineer
• Every language, framework, and hosting provider on earth supports it

"But Postgres is better!"

Cool. Sometimes. And sometimes a Ferrari is "better" than a Toyota, but you still don't need a Ferrari to drive to Costco, you dramatic motherfucker.

Most apps are CRUD. Most apps need predictable performance. Most apps need tooling that doesn't require a 40-page internal wiki just to keep the lights on. MySQL is that. It's the database equivalent of a reliable hammer. Stop buying a CNC machine to hang a picture frame.

"But I need to scale!"

No you don't. Not yet. You know what scales really well? Good indexes. Good queries. Not doing 900 N+1 queries per page load. MySQL can handle a disgusting amount of traffic when you're not actively sabotaging it.

And when you actually hit real scale? You've got replication, read replicas, partitioning, caching layers, sane operational playbooks, and an ecosystem that's been beaten into shape by the entire internet for decades. Your "brand new distributed hyper-database" has… a Discord server and a vibe.

"But NoSQL is more flexible!"

"Flexible" is just another word for "we don't know what the fuck we're storing." You know what's actually flexible? A schema you can evolve, plus a JSON column for the weird edge cases you refuse to model like a grown-up. You get structure and wiggle room, without turning your database into a landfill of unqueryable sadness.

"But NoSQL is easier!"

Easier than what, learning SQL for an afternoon? "Eventual consistency" means "sometimes wrong." "Schema-less" means "good luck migrating this shit later." You know what's easy? Sleeping at night because your data isn't held together by vibes and prayer.

What MySQL Actually Does

• ACID transactions (InnoDB): Commit/rollback/crash recovery. Your data doesn't get quietly wrecked.
• Foreign keys: Real referential integrity. No more "trust me bro" relationships.
• JSON support: Native JSON type + functions. Be flexible without being stupid.
• Full-text search: Built-in FULLTEXT indexes and MATCH() AGAINST() for normal use cases.
• CTEs + recursive queries: Yes, you can do WITH and WITH RECURSIVE now. Calm down.
• Window functions: Rankings, running totals, analytics-ish queries, all that fun stuff.
• Replication: Read replicas, failover patterns, the whole "keep the app alive" toolbox.
• Partitioning: When a table gets huge and you want to stop crying.
• Geospatial: Spatial types + indexes when you need maps but not a PhD.
• Mature tooling: Backups, monitoring, migrations, drivers, clients, boring, stable, everywhere.

Stop Over-Engineering Your Shit

You don't need: a database for caching, a database for search, a database for "events," a database for "documents," and a database for your actual data. You need one database that's predictable, boring, and understood by every engineer you'll ever hire.

Start with MySQL. Ship the product. Measure real pain. Then, and only then change something for a specific reason. Not because it's trendy. Not because someone yelled "NoSQL" on a podcast. Because you actually need it.

"Just use MySQL."
- Everyone who has been on call at 3AM

Yes, This is Satire (Kind Of)

Look, there are legit reasons to pick other stuff. If you need advanced analytical workloads, weird query patterns, specialized indexing, or you're building something truly insane at truly insane scale, you might pick something else.

But for most applications? For most teams? For most "we just need a database" situations? Just. Fucking. Use. MySQL.